Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
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ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I need to update my racial profile.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes