It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.