*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.