I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.