Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again