I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
You Might Also Like
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
he chose this
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner