Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
$3 #books
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.