If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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6. me as a lawyer
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”