Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.