Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
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A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.