What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
If only.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.