Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
want me to check your oil?