Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
You Might Also Like
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.