I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me