Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
E
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Okay
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.