You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
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ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Barbie gone wild
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.