*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
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me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
God has abandoned us.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.