*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?