Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
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there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Van Gone
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.