*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
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Me: Same
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son