6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
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Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
🙋♀️
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain