me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up