I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
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Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
So many village idiots. So few dragons.