Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.