“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
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me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?