my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
no such thing as a dumb question
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I have a black belt in leather
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”