6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
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Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.