Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
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There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away