I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
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Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
who did the taste test?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.