The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
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I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian