Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
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Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.