I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Me when my alarm goes off
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say