*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.