It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
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Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*