50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
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anyone else like Italian cereal
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
If you had more money you’d be happier.