Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before