I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
You Might Also Like
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Comparing yourself to others
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money