Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
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Close call…
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?