Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.