[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You Might Also Like
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.