William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*