“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
You Might Also Like
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.