If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
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I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.