The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
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if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Mistakes were made
Stick it to the man
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”