“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
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People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Botany good plants lately?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late