Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
You Might Also Like
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
SF is the wild wild west man
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.