*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
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Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’m crying im so happy for them