[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
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inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.