[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
You Might Also Like
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
bro what is going on at twitter
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.