Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
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I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
me and who
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.